I Will Always Be With You

THE PAIN OF MOURNING IS PHYSICAL TOO The pain is so horrible I almost don't want to tell you about it, but if I do, then you'll understand why God means so much to me now.

Most people could imagine what it would feel like to have an child suddenly killed, although I think it may be worse to watch your poor child slowly die from a disease or accident. Maybe not. Maybe the slowness gets you ready, but either way, it's the most unnatural thing that shatters you to a nothingness you could never even imagine. I think losing a child is probably the worst thing that could ever happen to a person. I would gladly trade my life for my son's and most of the mothers I have met who have lost a child, feel the same way. It is very hard to go on after losing a child. Normally, when you cry, it is emotional and then you calm down, but the pain of losing a child is not just emotional, it is also physical. It feels like a knife is going through your heart 24/7 and also like someone is strangling you, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. So many times after a breakdown, I would say to myself, why does my throat hurt, and it was because I was screaming and I didn't even realize it. As I write this blog, I type and cry, type and cry. Lyrics from the song, "My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect: "Get up off your knees, girl Stand face to face with your God And find out what you are And I came down from the stars I'm ready for love, and I'm ready for war But I'm ready for more I know that nobody's ever been this f*cking ready before, hey (Do you need some time to think it over?) So figure it out, or don't figure it out I figured it out The bigger the river (the bigger the river) The bigger the drought (the bigger the drought)" My poor son was only 28 years old and he had his whole life ahead of him. He was so good. He far exceeded my wildest dreams of what a child would be.

Since he was born, I would say to myself, this is too good to be true. He was walking at nine months old, and he never stopped smiling his whole life. He loved me and I knew it! I was a happy momma! And he wasn’t just good to me. He was good to his younger brother Robert too, which meant the world to me. Growing up, I had a tough childhood but when I had my children, it was the happiest days of my life because I got to re-live my childhood and be the loving mother I wish I would have had. Once Donald became a man, I realized he also became my best friend. After I was divorced, he was like a father figure to me. I realized this after his death. My son inspired me to be a better person. His death has inspired me to try to take it to the next level. MY MOTHER AND FATHER STRUGGLED BUT GOD WAS WITH ME I always knew there was something wrong with my mother. She did the best she could but when I was an adult and was finally told that it was called paranoid schizophrenia, I was horrified, but at the same time, I also felt vindicated that I was right. Sad Justice, just like what's going on with Judge Gossett.

When I was five years old, we lived in Connecticut, in the country, on top of a big hill, with woods all around us. I loved riding in my father's pickup truck and bumping up the curvy driveway going up the hill to the house. My favorite part of living there was the woods where I felt safe and happy. To the left side of our house was a field with tall grass and I remember one sunny day laying on my back and feeling like I was part of nature, and then suddenly I heard, “I will always be with you.” I was only five years old, but I knew who it was - it was God. The situation with my mother was very hard on my father who believed in corporal punishment. I left home at 17, had a job as a waitress, rented a room from a coworker, bought a car for $50, and finished high school. A few months after high school, I met my children's father, and we were married for 20 years. I got a divorce in 2000. I LIVED IN TEXAS FOR SIX YEARS WITH MY SON DONALD In 2007, I lost my job and home, and Donald had me leave Detroit and move in with him in San Antonio to help me start over. He was right out of Boot Camp, he paid for everything and he was only 23 years old. He also had a new girlfriend but he was like, “Hey it's my mother.” Within the first three years that I lived in Texas, I got a job and my own place in San Antonio, and then Donald was relocated to the Goodfellow Air Force Base in San Angelo. For the last three years of Donald’s life, he lived in San Angelo while I lived in San Antonio and we would visit each other at least once a month. One of us would leave on a Friday night, drive for three hours, spend the weekend with the other person, then go home. But San Antonio was not home for me and I felt so alone there. I am a 5'10" white woman, in a city that is 75% Mexican and 1,400 miles further south than where I am from. The difference in cultures made me feel like I was on another planet and I felt so sorry for myself as I missed my friends and other son Robert living in Detroit. I was so resentful that I had been laid off in Detroit, lost my home, and was living where I did not fit in, but shortly after Donald was killed, I realized, if I would not have been laid off and lost my home, I would not have moved to Texas and spent the last six years of my son's life with him. It taught me a valuable lesson to not take life's downs too hard because bad things happen in life but you just have to keep going because I guarantee you, things will change. No matter how bad things are, they will change with time, and if you keep doing your best, chances are they will get better.

I WAS ALWAYS A CHRISTIAN Although my mother was not religious and never talked about God, she sent me to church. I was confirmed in the Methodist church, and I went to religious education for one year to become Catholic for my husband. As a result, I have a unique education in Protestant and Catholic religions, and I appreciate both sides. I appreciate the basic emphasis on Jesus Christ of the Protestant religion, but I also appreciate that the Catholic church is the original Christian Church. Once I had children, I prayed every night for God to protect them. In fact, one of my first thoughts when the Marines told me my son had been killed was, ‘my prayers didn't work.’ But little did I know, God was about to show me He had not abandoned me.

Psalm 11:4 The Lord is in His holy Temple, The Lord’s throne is in heaven; His eyes behold, His eyelids test the sons of men. The Lord tests the righteous, but the wicked and the one who loves violence His soul hates. Upon the wicked He will rain coals; Fire and brimstone and a burning wind shall be the portion of their cup. For the Lord is righteous, He loves righteousness; His countenance beholds the upright. I AM NOT ALONE IN MOURNING BECAUSE GOD STEPPED UP As the time went by, weeks, months, years, I sunk deeper and deeper into hell. I was diagnosed with PTSD and major depression, and prescribed a large dose of anti-depressant. I tried to socialize with friends but I just could not stop crying and nobody wanted to be around somebody who can't stop crying. Even my poor son Robert had a hard time being around me.

He would beg me, "Please Mom, can't we be together without talking about Donald and crying?" It was so horrible because I was supposed to be his mother. I was supposed to help him. I was supposed to take care of him and I couldn't. When I saw Robert, I saw his brother, who was now dead. They were only 18 months apart. It took at least 4 years before I could be with Robert without crying. Poor Robert. To see your mother suffer so horribly and not be able to do anything. Only now, after eight years, can I say I am starting to gain control of the pain, but that is only because God came to me.

My Drawing: In 2015, I started seeking professional help and I began attending a Grief Group. We were asked to draw our feelings about our grief and my drawing is me in a dark tunnel, with my son Robert, who can't reach me in the tunnel. I am at the beginning of the tunnel but I know there's sunshine and flowers at the end. Jesus is in heaven watching out for me and so is my Angel Son Donald, on the right side of Jesus. PREMONITION – an early warning, a feeling, about an unpleasant, future event. 

After my son was killed, I realized God was allowing him to give me signs that he is still with me, but one day, it made me really sad when I realized that God had already been giving me signs that this was coming. In 2005, right after Donald graduated from Marine Corps Basic Training, he was sent to Montery, California to the Defense Language Institute for further training. I flew out to visit him and we had a blast exploring this amazing part of our country! After we stopped on the side of the road that runs along the Pacific Coast,

I took a picture of him, and when I got the picture developed, I almost screamed because it looked like my son was floating in the sky, like he was an angel, like he was no longer alive. I was deeply disturbed. The first time I was in San Angelo was when I drove a car there to give to my son, and then flew back home. After my arrival, Donald showed me around the town, and I was deeply disturbed again when we drove past a military funeral. A little voice in my head said, "That's going to be you." but I just shook my head and told myself it was just a fear. During the last year of my son's life, I found myself asking, why am I looking so deeply into my son's eyes every time I sit across from him

and why is there such a mysteriuous feeling when I do this? I realized after his death that God was getting me ready. Take a good look Terry. It won't be long before it will be the last time. 

Three months after my son was killed, I realized I needed to move back to Michigan to be with my other son Robert so I packed a POD, put my dog and my son's dog in car, and started driving home 1,400 miles away. Half way there I stopped a friend's house. I wanted to make it back home for my son Robert because Donald's birthday was coming up, but I was unable to walk because of packing and had to stay a few days longer than I expected. The last night I was there, it was Donald's birthday, and I felt like I had to stay awake until the last second of his birthday. I was sitting on the front porch crying and I looked at my phone. It said 11:59 p.m. the last minute of my son's birthday. Suddenly, a white light, not yellow, flashed behind me. I spun around to look and only saw the brick wall of my friend's house. I turned back around and my phone said it was 12:00 a.m., the next day. It was my son. That was the first major sign and there have been so many others that I will write about, but right now I will tell you one more: two years ago, on Mother's Day, a baby robin hopped towards me as I sat in a chair on my patio. To my amazement, the baby robin came over and hopped onto the top of the table next to me! I couldn't believe it! Then the baby robin crawled onto my arm and started walk up to my shoulder. I could feel the tiny sliver pads of his claws as he walked. I could not believe my eyes! Wild animals do not do this! Then the baby robin sat on my shoulder, looked me in the eyes and I said, Hi Donald. God allowed this wild animal to do this as a gift from my son on Mother's Day. Why? So I can tell you!